A Fork in the Road

"Success is not final; failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts."
-- Winston S. Churchill

 This week has been difficult, and it has really tested my resolve. I've been thrown down onto the ground more times than I can count, and getting back up is harder and harder. I feel trapped - trapped in a life I never wanted, trapped in a marriage I can't escape, and trapped inside this house and this town.

I've never felt more isolated. I feel like I am screaming inside my head - screaming for help that will never come. No one can understand my plight. I always knew I could have done so much more with my life. My intelligence, my strong mind and my sense of humour was meant for more. And now, as I step back and look at my life, I realise that I have been sabotaged. I let Bill sweep me into this transient life, into this isolation and the endless numbered days that we live through in these one-horse towns we move through.

I don't know why we stay in this miserable existence. Sometimes he looks at me with such hate and disdain in his eyes. I find it difficult to swallow my anger and hatred too. All sorts of ideas have come to me in times of pain, but would I get away with any of them?

At least my garden is in full swing. It's so hard to get anything going with all the moving around, but I do love tending it and watching the flowers and plants bloom. I only hope the cold winter frost doesn't kill off my beautiful jonquils!

I just live for the times Bill goes away for work. At least then, I can laugh. At least then, I can have some semblance of a normal life before he comes home stomping about the house and growling at everyone. Even the cats run away from him now. At least Emma and I have each other. She is such a sweet girl - she is always there to comfort me when she sees I have been crying.

Right now, I'm facing a fork in the road. I can either continue on with my life and keep feeling these feelings, or I can get away. Do something. I just don't know what!

A Shuddering Halt

Well, it's finally happened. The momentum of my downward spiral has come, thankfully, to a shuddering halt. 

I've realised something this morning, as I sat on my verandah watching the world go by (and hoping the world wasn't watching me!) and it's something I think I always knew deep down, but it has taken me this long to be able to properly acknowledge it. It is crucial for me to surround myself with loving, supportive people (and I am so lucky to have my little family to fulfil that need). I have always been a very sensitive person, and the judgement of small minded people has always affected me in ways I haven't always been able to understand.

Unfortunately, most of these people are my hateful family. Well, I suppose 'family' only in a historical sense because I firmly believe you DO choose your family. Which explains why I have two people in my life. But I've reached a better plane of existence recently - and I've let go of my hate. I am still not on speaking terms with my extended family, all of them (even seemingly unconnected branches) seem to have similar views about my behaviour. I know this clearly means that they are utterly delusional and basically terrible people. But I forgive them anyway.

Once I reached this conclusion, that my problems are rooted in the lives and actions of others, I have found it increasingly simple to absolve myself of any wrongdoing and shed the amount of guilt I have been burdened with.

I'm going to try and put these external influences from my life, and I'm sure once I am freed of their influences I will go back to being the sane, rational, happy person I know I am inside. The winter is creeping into our little town deliciously, the smell of wood smoke curls around us as I plan my winter menus - some minestrone soup is definitely on the cards tonight!